6'3"
theres this big white poster on the wall to my right and its scribbled with a lot of different words i find interesting in bright red marker words like yonder or thirst or flow or nourish among them are also these phrases that pop up at late hours of the night and i just need need to write them down because they cant wont stay caged up just repeating repeating inside my head.
right near the center of the poster is the odd one of the bunch and it reads the body is a vessel & nothing more—its strange because it implies there is no worth in the physical and i do not agree with that but i realize ive held it to be true to a standard where it became self-evident want it or not.
i have not been kind to my body and yet in turn it has rewarded me by being the best it could be my shitty fast-food diet does not affect my ability to run 5 miles even if i havent run in years the little food i feed myself doesnt stop me from monkeying about whenever with pull-ups my like of salty greasy snacks doesnt drag down my near-perfect yearly medical check-ups. and yet i punish it more.
i love my body even as i torture the poor bastard it has been loyal to me forever like a faithful dog that loves unconditionally for whom you are the most important anything ever and like a dog i know that one day he will start to age move slower harder painfully and still with bad eyesight he will look to me and do his best to make me happy because thats all that matters to him his best friend forever and yet i cripple it more.
this crippling of course hurts the inside just as much as the outside like everybody else you him her them i derive a lot of self-confidence from how i look yet most of my life ive left myself as that skinny goofy kid and i guess ive never left behind that fear that when somebody looks at me theyll see the high-school me instead of this me that they will see nothing else but this weak vessel in which i carry my everything.
this weak vessel of my own accord and fault of mine striving to keep up with the upstairs and doing such a wonderful job despite adversity and still i expect it to look do be more.
how can i expect to nurture any kind of relationship when i cant even be kind and thankful and loving to the single most important partner in my life.
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