bohren
under
through thick or thin this skin of ours is supposed to stay tough a word against what may come weve built it this way brick by brick and cell by cell but every year when the winds come howling its more like to turn brittle no cracks in the wall but we can start feeling the cold brought upon by the others and by ourselves.
its curious to wonder how much of this is caused by our chemical physiological makeups hormones dictating needs and desires across multiple fields and skins ruthless in their demands no resolution to be gained no ground won without battle waged it is these things that come up most often and by things i mean the connections we seek that for all our talk of chemical reactions we find no reaction within others and we ultimately lack any chemistry.
negative or positive bonding whichever we may be to self and others once caught in the act it dont matter as all weve ever gotten is promises that one day things may be more okay but lets face it doubt is a heavy element and if we were to look at this from outside time and person as we often do years after the facts took place we easily recognize our own stupidity and clumsiness and coil up to become smaller and denser a ball of dark regret so whos to say this wont happen looking upon the now its very likely very honestly.
we get attached and wed like to share attachment with those who we believe can better understand what we do and what we are not always because were similar but because we are open to this mentality we base our existence but what always happens in the end is something fails on our end and we turn prospects into bitter pasts acidic futures as we cant forget what happened and focus on what couldve happened.
as much as we hate the reality of it we are an entity confined by actions yes or no—no matter—that works our minds to interpret our day-to-day happenings through a filter a filter that always brings on others and says how nice it wouldve been if they were here or oh how fun they wouldve so enjoyed that although of course our selfish nature is still there and what we mean is actually oh how i wouldve liked this more if they were here by my side to see their face light up and make my day brighter.
i only have so much light in me.
hate and resent the fact of it this refutation of our complete autonomy and independence but we warm ourselves by the fires of others being and sometimes just that just that simple being nothing more its stupid okay but—it—is.
the question here or rather my fear is do we feed off the energy of them or do we share in it because upto now no matter how theyve tried to comfort us in truth we may have ended up dimming their light and theyve been worse off than if theyd never known us which okay for most people we wouldnt care either or but for this small subset we could count on our fingers they might all look back and remember us once in a while and think how glad i am thats done and gone and that expression of distaste is the legacy weve left behind in the only people weve given a damn about and thats something i fear.
i cant fully justify this prevailing lack of my bonding with other elements entities as we had a clean starting point once and we kept saying one day but everytime a day comes there is a way it ends that just leaves us more distraught with our options and i dont mean the others but the quality or qualities we find within ourselves we do believe we are worthy to be cared for (what a journey that has been) but there is always that something that is lacking in our offering and it has worried and weighed us down for well for forever basically—and its dumb and stupid and yes all these many things well call ourselves one day (maybe) but in the now and in the here it feels like we ask for too much and offer too little since its not just this but everything weve mentioned up until now as we may be more toxic than wed thought anyway and that just further reduces our staying appeal attraction plummeting.
underlying everything is this question gigantic of whether we can truthfully admit to ourselves and most importantly be okay with it at the end of the day every day and that is are we fine committing to a complete independence of relationships and all they entail and will that take our mind off this everpresent dissatisfaction stress and will it even moreso liberate us from it all?
theres always that other question in reply though havent you just given up havent you simply failed so much that youre unable to commit to further effort see the problem here wouldnt be admitting ive failed thats obvious enough but what other implications does this carry with it am i going to give up on everything in my life thats too hard or so hard as to warrant years of work once it becomes unpleasant do i just call it quits forever or what the—
if we build a life
based around picking always
low-hanging fruit
how much less of life
do we taste and savour
but is this possibly
simply a question of tasting
the entire orchard instead
of clearing knowing full tress
—otherwise
do we stand to gain more
or lose more
through this approach c~.
are we cowards or are we drifters?
sailors of a few seas a robin flying close to our heart to keep us lucky in whats ahead seas to see salt to swallow half a century still to ride.
all we want is to be okay and feel okay in this aspect of our lives not agonize as ever endless just go with something that wont bring us down no anchors please let us sail for at least a while without dragging any baggage and burdens unnecessary.
our ambitions lie always across a horizon that we need to navigate to day or dark and even if we turn back or toss across let us suffer the loss with no extra tinder for our burning hull put aside our humanity in this and let us learn to enjoy the open sea again please yes please lets run with it and really without it.
okay—okay.
§